Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Travel Woes and Ettiquite

Hello humanity!

As you may have guessed, I have been busy. I spent 5 of the last 8 days crossing the globe twice, just for fun! Kidding. Worst experience of my life. Work was alright, but I am not sure it was worth the time lost, and my health. I caught the dreaded American Flu!!

Don't tell border patrol and customs, they may come find me and quarantine me. So I'm THAT person, responsibly for the global transfer of a deadly virus. Awesome.

I have general etiquette and rules of travel that may not be know to the common man. Kidding! 90% of this is common sense, there are jut a lot of idiots in the world.

1. Duty Free. Okay this is probably the MOST important thing to know. Buy your booze at your final layover. If you buy it before your first flight, it will most likely be confiscated at the next security checkpoint. This is guaranteed when flying to the US and Australia. I watched a couple pour out 4 liters of vodka... Rookies.

2. Claim your shiz. Look it may not be fun completing the import/export card. Just do it, saves the trouble of thousands of dollars in fines and being hassled for smuggling velveeta cheese. 99% of the time they let you pass through without any bother.

3. Water. We may not all have the luxury of first class, so we don't get endless amounts of water and people to fan us and feed us grapes. Australia and the US allow you to purchase water after security. Other countries, you can purchase it but not take it on the plane due to a checkpoint right before boarding. Getting around this is sneaky. Go to duty free, buy water. They will deliver it to your gate and you can have it on the plane. I've done this in Dubai and Qatar. Yeah, I'm a genius!

4. Seat Pros/Cons

Window- Pros: you see the plane take off, no one hits you as they walk to the bathroom, you control the outdoor lighting. Cons: you don't get to tell the flight attendant you want snacks and water everytime they pass, you're reliant upon someone else for bathroom breaks,

Middle- this seat sucks.

Aisle- Pros: you get unlimited bathroom breaks, you can stop the flight attendant for anything and everything Cons: you get hit by the food cart

My choice? Aisle. I pee ALL the time. The dude in 20A that didn't move for 17 ENTIRE hours, obviously window works for him.

5. What not to do.

Middle seat- there are 4 arm rests, unfortunately your life sucks and your stuck in the middle. You are still only entitle to 1 1/3 arm rest. I get the freaking 1/3 and I will FIGHT you for it.

Staring- look miss seat neighbor 20B I'm going to try to watch all of the lord of the rings, I have 12 free hours on my hands. Stop looking at me and turn on your own tv. Literally, she stared the entire flight, no tv, no book, no iPod. Just watched me watch TV and sleep. Creep.

Airport Noise- if you see a person quietly trying to sleep with no one around them. Don't go hold a party right next to them. That makes you and your friends a bunch of wankers, even if your are women and I can't understand your jibber jabber language. (sorry very angry about this one)

Obviously the 70+ hours I was actually in flight were miserable. My legs swelled, my nose bled, I didn't sleep. Do what works for you. I know I need lots of water and compression socks. I don't care about the looks I get. I've circled the globe enough times to not really give a crap about the other business people that sit in first class and wake up refreshed. Other than extreme jealousy, I ignore them.

Thank you for listening to my rants and "advice" I almost had a bridesmaids moment and flipped on a few people.

Til next time! Love y'all!


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